My heart is heavy...

I have been meaning to blog about some things for a while - but life has really overwhelmed us lately.

As most of you know - Cathy, Eric's mom was told she has pancreatic & liver cancer. As of right now we do not have a biopsy to tell us what stage, what treatment options are and most importantly...how much longer will she be with us here on earth (I'll tell ya...I would rather be in Heaven than here!!!!) Please pray for her and all of our family…I have found that the people who read this blog are prayer warriors because my requests get answered! (thanks)

Prayers of many have been answered - the FIRST time in over 2 years Eric, Russell & Michelle were all together with their mother. Not only that – most of the Behm grandkids (Mylin & Wyatt were unable to make it....Richard too) were all in the same room for the first time EVER! Now some may think this is a little odd but if you knew our family you would know what an amazing PRAISE GOD thing this is.

I'll use this as a segway to something that is really lying heavy on my heart.

If anyone knows me, or has known me for the last few years, they will know that I have had an enormous amount of hate in my heart for quite some time now. This hate has consumed so much of me and torn through a lot of layers of my mind & heart. This hate has interfered in not only my family but my relationship with the Lord.

For a long time now the Lord has been pushing me to release this anger, this pain, this hate but I didn't want to. It was getting so easy to ignore what God was telling me to do with this that I am starting to think He stopped talking for a while all together. He was just sitting there waiting for ME to come back and say -"I give in".

While I have not been able to "give in" all together I have allowed my guard to be lowered a lot. I have opened my life, my heart and family up to things that have been closed off for as long as I can remember. This is a scary situation for me - I am afraid of getting hurt, I am afraid of my family getting hurt. I am also sad for those I have "left behind". While my family is healing and moving on there are others who are still in pain and wanting their families healed. I pray that ALL are healed...I'm going to be bold and ask SOON!

This whole awakening has really made me see what hate does to a person. It also makes it much easier to see when it’s happening around you. Its easy see the way families just truly can't stand the idea of someone living...basically not caring if they die. I just don't understand that. Human compassion alone would say that you should care if someone is living or dead. It’s easy to see jealousy being hidden so poorly that it makes me GREEN with sickness to my stomach. It’s easy to see how someone could be destroying their own family and not even see it themselves.

I say this, and not from a high horse (trust me I'm about as low as they get)...I pray for those people. I pray that they see how much they are being eaten alive by an enemy that only feeds off that hate. I pray that their families do not turn their back on them - I am blessed that mine did not...although looking back I'm surprised any of them wanted to ever talk to me.

This week has really made me see just how short life is...there is no time for petty BS (for lack of a better term). Parents feuding with their children, siblings fight each other, in-laws fighting their "out" laws. As I have been told for years and didn't listen - IT ALL HAS TO STOP! Too many lives have been hurt by these things. I have been in the middle of every kind of these situations...not just by having it happen to me but by causing it as well...it’s a sad sad way to live.

Life is short - PRAY HARD!

I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for reading (its nice to get this off my heart). Love to all

Sara