My heart is heavy...

I have been meaning to blog about some things for a while - but life has really overwhelmed us lately.

As most of you know - Cathy, Eric's mom was told she has pancreatic & liver cancer. As of right now we do not have a biopsy to tell us what stage, what treatment options are and most importantly...how much longer will she be with us here on earth (I'll tell ya...I would rather be in Heaven than here!!!!) Please pray for her and all of our family…I have found that the people who read this blog are prayer warriors because my requests get answered! (thanks)

Prayers of many have been answered - the FIRST time in over 2 years Eric, Russell & Michelle were all together with their mother. Not only that – most of the Behm grandkids (Mylin & Wyatt were unable to make it....Richard too) were all in the same room for the first time EVER! Now some may think this is a little odd but if you knew our family you would know what an amazing PRAISE GOD thing this is.

I'll use this as a segway to something that is really lying heavy on my heart.

If anyone knows me, or has known me for the last few years, they will know that I have had an enormous amount of hate in my heart for quite some time now. This hate has consumed so much of me and torn through a lot of layers of my mind & heart. This hate has interfered in not only my family but my relationship with the Lord.

For a long time now the Lord has been pushing me to release this anger, this pain, this hate but I didn't want to. It was getting so easy to ignore what God was telling me to do with this that I am starting to think He stopped talking for a while all together. He was just sitting there waiting for ME to come back and say -"I give in".

While I have not been able to "give in" all together I have allowed my guard to be lowered a lot. I have opened my life, my heart and family up to things that have been closed off for as long as I can remember. This is a scary situation for me - I am afraid of getting hurt, I am afraid of my family getting hurt. I am also sad for those I have "left behind". While my family is healing and moving on there are others who are still in pain and wanting their families healed. I pray that ALL are healed...I'm going to be bold and ask SOON!

This whole awakening has really made me see what hate does to a person. It also makes it much easier to see when it’s happening around you. Its easy see the way families just truly can't stand the idea of someone living...basically not caring if they die. I just don't understand that. Human compassion alone would say that you should care if someone is living or dead. It’s easy to see jealousy being hidden so poorly that it makes me GREEN with sickness to my stomach. It’s easy to see how someone could be destroying their own family and not even see it themselves.

I say this, and not from a high horse (trust me I'm about as low as they get)...I pray for those people. I pray that they see how much they are being eaten alive by an enemy that only feeds off that hate. I pray that their families do not turn their back on them - I am blessed that mine did not...although looking back I'm surprised any of them wanted to ever talk to me.

This week has really made me see just how short life is...there is no time for petty BS (for lack of a better term). Parents feuding with their children, siblings fight each other, in-laws fighting their "out" laws. As I have been told for years and didn't listen - IT ALL HAS TO STOP! Too many lives have been hurt by these things. I have been in the middle of every kind of these situations...not just by having it happen to me but by causing it as well...it’s a sad sad way to live.

Life is short - PRAY HARD!

I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for reading (its nice to get this off my heart). Love to all

Sara

Prayer

I just wanted to post a quick prayer request...

Madison has had a cold for about a week now - we took her to the Dr today and they actually think she has this nasty flu that has been going around. (we will have the test results tomorrow)

ALSO they are treating her for pneumonia. Evidentally this flu is all upper respiratory and has been known to turn into pneumonia rather quickly. She is on 3 breathing treatments a day. They are hoping to head off any possible risk of this getting worse.

I am afraid to admit it but I think I too am coming down with the flu...so please keep us all in your prayers. Luckily Eric is home this week ( I hope he doesn't get anything ).

Thanks to all and we hope you and your families are doing well and staying heathly.

Love,
Sara

Story Dadda...

This week has been a major change week for Madison. She has been doing so well...actually TALKING! Not just repeating things we say...

When Cathy (grandma) put her coat on to go outside, Madison looked at her and said "Bye" (she is putting situations and words together)

When Donna (granma) was here she told her she loved her :)

Just last night when we had her all ready for bed she said, "Story dadda". (A) She never likes stories read to her (B) she never asks for things like that (C) she actually picked 6 books for us to read with her.

So much has been going on. She has been GF/CF/SF for just over 2 months...not counting eating the dab of paint the other day. PRAISE GOD FOR THIS DIET!!!

love to all

Should I cry, scream or just be greatful?

Janice (sister) just called me and told me about an article on YAHOO.com about a family of 6 children ALL with some version of Autism Spectrum...ranging from Aspergers all the way to full-blown Autism. WOW - 6 children! I can't imagine. As I watched the interview from Good Morning America I actually started to cry. It is heart wrentching to see how the affects everyone in a family and how it really takes its toll on a person.

Something that related closely to me as that the mother had a melt down not too long ago basically giving up and blaming God...I will be honest - I have been there. Not to the extreme that I left or didn't love my family...but to the point I questioned if I am the mom to raise Madison. What hurts more to think back about that is - I blamed God for what He is putting ME through...UM HELLO!!! Madison is the one with Autism!!!! How selfish can I be.

I have not had day go by that I don't wonder what Madison's life would be like if it were "typical" but I know that the Lord picked her to be this way. He picked Eric and I to be the best parents for her, to be the parents she needs...He knew that we would be exactly what she needed...God didn't do this to hurt us - He did it because we were important enough to see His work first hand in Madison's life and actually be a part of it. So I guess we should be praising the Lord...not yelling at Him huh?

I went to the site for this family http://www.autismbites.com/ and to their blog site...they were talking about the comments left of GMA site. OH MY GOSH!!! There are some real cruel people out there. I know why Eric wanted to keep this a secret - because people are not just cruel, they are extreamly ignorant. People actually said that these people should have started having abortions after the first 3 children were diagnoised with Aspergers. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?! What kind of nazi thought process is that - only keep the "normal" ones!?!? What is even more insane about that comment is, NOT ALL KIDS ARE BORN AUTISTIC!!! I don't believe Madison was...

There were some situations and events that took place in her life that we truely believe geared her life of Autism. I believe the Lord allowed those events to happen and this was what was planned for her life - but I do not believe for one minute she was BORN with autism.

I would like to end this by saying I am beyond greatful for Madison. I love her with every ounce of my heart & being. She is truly the COOLEST kid I have ever met in my life and I wouldn't do anything different in her life even if it meant I would change her outcome. I know I will have my days of being selfish, I know there will be days I think, "I didn't sign up for this", I know there will be times I just want to get away from it all...and I know that MAKES ME A HUMAN! I human that LOVES her little girl and a human the God loves inspite of her imperfections.

On a lighter note - these are two t-shirts that I found on the autism bites site...I LOVE THEM!

Can I get an AMEN!!!

AMEN!!!

I just finished reading through all of the posts on this site - there has been so many miracles in Madison's life since the beginning of this journal. I want to thank all of you for your diligent prayers. Also for your interest in Madison - I know so many people love her and through this site (when she is older) she will be able to read just how much she was loved. Make sure you leave comments too - this way she knows who was here!



Yesterday was a good day. I had a girlfriend come over with her 3 yr old Maddy (Madalyn). Madison actually played with her and didn't steal everything from her! Infact the one time Maddy was crying Madison showed empathy...that is a new emotion for her. It was really nice to have some grown-up time with my friend and for Madison to make a new friend.



This picture really sums up a lot of Madison's life lately - emerging from a clouded coccon into a child that is enjoying and thriving in her new world!!! Please continue to watch and read as she spreads her wings and grows up.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I had the strangest dream last night - about a 5 foot tall Groundhog.

HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!!

Shave and a hair cut...SNOWMAN!

I want to start this blog by clearing something up. Some people have questioned my last blog...I guess it does lead the mind open to question things - no one is sick, no one is hurt - we are just experiencing life at its "most wonderful" - NOT. Sorry if I caused anyone to worry. But thanks to all for your prayers - we still need them.

Ok...now that I have cleared that up a bit.

Madison got her FIRST haircut yesterday. She did AMAZING!!!! Praise God, there was no crying, no meltdowns, no tantrums. She just sat on Eric's lap and watched the Backyardigans. I'm embarressed to say I forgot my camera at home but was able to snap a few on my phone ( I just haven't downloaded them yet). Here is a picture that I took last night after a LONG day - she looks SO cute! Finally her hair is out of her face.

Today was a snow day for school, so Eric took Madison out to play in the snow & rain. We were supposed to get 6-10 inches (we only got about 2 1/2) and now they are saying its done. Waste of a snow day if you ask me. They were able to build their first real snowman too - I will have pics to come on that!

Well this is Eric's last 3 days off work. Part of me is sad - the other part - GO BACK TO WORK PLEASE...NOW!!!

He has been off since before Christmas. We are already hearing rumors that he only goes back for 2 weeks. This has good & bad points. Good - he's home to help out with Madison & all of her appointments. Bad - he gets bored and then gets a little cranky. He messes up (my) schedules. It also messes up things when he goes back to work, Madison is very attached to Eric. So she will be out of sorts the first week or so.

Eric is just about done working outside for now - time for lunch.

Love to all & sorry again for worrying anyone about my previous blog.